How do you know?

This morning I woke wondering, how do I know that I love someone? What are the things that make me sure that it’s love that I’m feeling?

I feel a lightness in my heart. A soft, gentle contentedness, and a feeling of being home. I feel expansive. And safe.

When I spend time with my children, I feel a trust that I can be me just as I am, and they will love me always. We are learning together how to set things right when one of us acts impulsively and inconsiderately, says something a bit thoughtlessly, or otherwise has behavior that is hurtful to another. We are teaching each other how to resolve conflicts in kind and considerate ways. We are agreeing that ongoing development of skills and communication, both in the sharing of our thoughts, and in the listening, will make us more present in our relationships in a way that is deeply satisfying.

One of my clear commitments is to really listen so that I can honestly try to understand the perspective of the other. To set my arguments, justifications, and explanations to the side for the time being, and just listen.

Another commitment is to never withhold my love, even if one of my children says or does something that I feel is hurtful to me. I have a responsibility to speak up about my hurt feelings, and I may decide that I need some time to myself to care for my tender self, but that doesn’t mean I will ever stop loving them. It is important to me that they know that and can trust that. And I believe the same is true in the reverse. In this way, I feel very safe in my relationship with them.

I’m very grateful that, in this time in my life, I’m able to grow and learn with my children, and then parlay these lessons into other kinds of relationship, including romantic partnership. I’m dedicated to being an excellent listener, a clear communicator, and to leading with my heart. To staying open, and trusting, and to remaining curious about what is possible if I allow myself to be completely vulnerable when I really care.

And if I do, choose to be that open and trusting, then I know it’s love.

Where random blossoms in bright bursts of color catch my attention… My thoughts meander, and my heart expands. Welcome to my garden.

I’m starting to realize that a reason I have struggled to get my book finished is because I have ADD. So many things are interesting to me. And I’ve had the good fortune of being able to learn things quickly and to gain confidence and skill rapidly. Along the way of living my life I have mastered many disparate skills, and excelled at several wildly different careers. Yet, I’ve never felt I have done anything that has really amounted to much. I’ve often tried to find my one purpose. My one passion. But I have so many passions that I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I’ll do a little bit of some thing and then a little bit of something else, and then get excited about something altogether different. It’s been a challenge to get things completed, or to stick with one thing long enough to call it my true path.

This is certainly true with trying to write a book. First of all, which book is it that I want to write? A guide with key self help points for women who are in transition in their lives? A coffee table art book with poetry and collage to illustrate the fundamentals of astrology and universal cycles of change in a gorgeous and inspiring way? An autobiography with yet another account of rising from the ashes of the dysfunction of the Deep South in the 1970’s? Second, where do I want to start on that book? Do I make an outline and then tackle chapter by chapter? Do I write where the flow takes me and then see how it fits in? Do I cite references as I go along, or do I do that on another pass through? Ugh. Each time I get started, I get discouraged. I think I don’t know enough. I better do some more research. Then something else captures my attention and I’m off in another direction. It can be very frustrating. So I’m choosing now to allow myself a space, a place, to let my thoughts meander, to practice each day just following the thought of the moment. And to practice some skills in the task of writing. I’m learning dictation and I’m learning blogging. Editing and tagging, and uploading to social platforms. This way I hope to gather the skills that I need to put it all together and create, finally, my book(s).

A while back, I think in 2015, I heard a podcast where Elizabeth Gilbert said that she had stopped telling people, “Just follow your passion.“ She realized that for some percentage of the population, maybe 10%, maybe 40%, that was a very discouraging thing to be told. So many of us have been looking around, trying to discover what our true passion is. Trying to discern where we could best appropriately put our love and our attention and our finances and our study, so that we could offer our special gift to the world. To people like me, who find so much pleasure in so many different directions, that mandate was very daunting and ultimately impossible to pursue. So she said she’s changed how she talks to people now. She says, “Follow your curiosity”.

This blog will help me journal and report upon the various paths my curiosity takes me as I try to get my life in order.